For all kinds of reasons I’ve not found quite as much time as I’d like or as I used to for Woe Men recently. Work, mainly, and life, also, have been getting in the way, but I have managed to read a few things that I have thought were interesting and important. And I’d like to share them. And yes, men crop up in all of them.
‘Are men and women really wired differently?’
This was the headline on a piece in The Times in February by Tom Whipple, the paper’s science editor. My very first Woe Men post was me trying to explain my fascination with men and women, or rather the differences, the contrasts, the complementary qualities and the conflicts between us. I wrote:
‘It’s the most fascinating bit of life, I’ve come to think: how we rub along together, or often how we don’t; how we can learn from each other; and how men suffer in comparison.’
The subject of sex differences is hugely contested territory. Why are men and women different? Is it all to do with how we are socialised? Is our society so gendered that we are all born completely the same and then nurture takes over and it’s all pink and blue from then on? Or are some differences down to nature, or biology?
Well, a new study has tipped the balance a bit towards biology. Researchers from Stanford University have found ‘consistent differences’ in how the brains of men and women work. Activity in certain areas of the brain – including the limbic system (emotion and memory) and striatum (habit forming and rewards) – was found to be different in men and women. The Stanford team said that if they had to guess the sex of a brain, they would be right 90% of the time.
This was great news for me. For some reason I just feel we are different and not just because I was given guns and toy cars and soldiers to play with when I was a boy and thus set on a social path to man-ness. The differences feel a bit more fundamental than that.
And in reporting this new research Tom mentioned another study from the early 2000s that showed something remarkable.
Melissa Hines, a neuroscientist from the University of Cambridge, was researching hormone exposure in the womb. As Tom explained:
‘She had heard reports of groups of girls who had been exposed to higher [testosterone] levels than usual, and who doctors claimed behaved differently. They played in more “male” ways, with – for instance – more rough play.’
In her own research Hines found this to be the case. She then conducted an experiment in which vervet monkeys were given toys to play with. As Tom says:
‘The male ones preferred the cars and trucks. The female ones were more likely to go for the soft toys.’
Wow. So hormonally, biologically, we are different. And then we are socialised to be even more different. Nature and nurture, rather than one or the other. (How many times is ‘Both’ the answer to an either/or question?)
But Tom goes on to point out something that’s maybe even more important and something that chimes with what I’ve learnt through counselling training. Yes we’re different and yes we need to acknowledge those differences and even celebrate them, but to enable us to work better together.
Working with difference and acknowledging difference (between the counsellor and client) is a key part of training to be a counsellor. As our course textbook Counselling Skills and Studies put it:
‘The question for the counsellor is: can I really enter this person’s inner world so that they feel fully heard, accepted and understood?’
Can a man enter a woman’s inner world, know what her life is really like, what it is to be her? I think that’s a huge challenge for men and a recognition of how different men’s and women’s lives are. But it’s not insurmountable because, after all, we are all human.
As Tom Whipple concludes:
‘But, perhaps, part of being a human is being overly interested in those differences – and ignoring the vast similarities. One of the most important similarities, the reason we have survived to discuss this question at all, is that our mysterious and remarkable brains are extremely adaptable, extremely plastic. This, Hines says, is a more useful property to focus on.
“I understand why people are interested in this [sex differences in the brain], but I don’t think debating whether these differences are more inborn or more socialised moves society forward.”’
Finding a way to acknowledge the differences and live – and thrive – with them will undoubtedly do that.
‘How men can be invaluable at the dance’
This was the heading on the latest post by
on his Substack. He began with a quote, which I’ve edited a little for clarity and brevity.‘J. F. Roxburgh, the first headmaster of Stowe School, described his goal as cultivating men who would be “acceptable at a dance and invaluable in a shipwreck.” That was almost a century ago.
‘Someone suggested to me recently that we would want to switch the emphasis now. In 2024 the chances of a shipwreck, or equivalent crisis, are thankfully much less, while the need for social skills is much greater. We still want men to be acceptable in the wreck, but invaluable at the dance.’
This is something I’ve thought for years, since watching my young sons play-fighting with each other. One of them would sometimes say that being tough was important, that it would stand them in good stead in boys’ company as they got older. But I had a strong sense of this ‘toughness’ or of physical strength generally as being an outdated ‘quality’. Where was the need for it in the modern world? How many shipwrecks would they encounter? As far as I could see, this ‘strength’ caused way more trouble (male aggression, which could then be taken out on other men or worse on women) than good and the sooner we could defuse it, dial it down, neuter it, the better.
I can now see that perhaps my view needs dialling down a bit as male strength can be harnessed for good and those ‘qualities’ that we have stereotypically had are still stereotypically present and denying them completely is not that useful either. So working with us, with what we’ve got and how we think, is much more realistic.
Reeves talks about ‘relational skills’ and how men need them not only at the dance but particularly in our modern world of more egalitarian marriages.
‘In the old world where the roles of men and women were more strictly delineated, relational skills were less important. There were no difficult conversations on Sunday evenings over who was doing which school run or sports drop off or doctors appointment. There was no conflict over the question of who would stay home for the day if one of the kids was sick (it was Mum).’
But relational skills are important in so many contexts, such as dealing with angry, aggressive men without resorting to physical strength. But as Reeves points out and dads everywhere know:
‘Parenting is the ultimate test of relational skill that there is (as well as of patience, resistance to sleep deprivation, and much more besides).’
And that sums up pretty much what I care about most and what the point of Woe Men is. Men need good (better) relational skills. That’s it.
‘Where the Boys Aren’t’
Reeves acknowledged that the point about men needing relational skills in more egalitarian marriages was made by American author Kay Hymowitz at an event they both took part in. He then linked to a piece Hymowitz wrote for City Journal in 2022, headlined ‘Where the Boys Aren’t’, which very neatly tied together Reeves’ thoughts on what men and boys need and Tom Whipple’s piece on differences in men’s and women’s brains.
Hymowitz comes down clearly on the side of biology when it comes to explaining at least some of these differences.
‘Though neuroscience was once committed to the notion of the androgynous brain, the discipline has, in recent decades, piled up examples of male–female differences. This research coalesces around the conclusion that while brain anatomy in the sexes is very similar, sex hormones and sex chromosomes affect cognitive development. Most suggestively, researchers have found that girls’ brains establish connections and “prune” unused brain circuitry earlier and faster than boys, so their brains work more efficiently.’
The whole piece is a fascinating read and makes me think that boys and men have some work to do.
‘20 things I've learned from 20 years in the therapy room’
And by way of contrast, try this. You might see ‘20 things I’ve learnt…’ and run a mile as the internet is full of such ‘listicles’ and so many are trite and light. But this one is so worth your time.
is a clinical psychologist who is originally from the UK but moved to New Zealand in 2006 and now has a private practice in Auckland. She writes a wonderfully readable and helpful Substack called The Therapy Room and this ‘20 things’ is just great.Of the 20 I particularly liked No.2:
‘Most of our fears and struggles circle around the same three themes – worthiness (am I good enough?), belonging (am I loved?) and safety/control (is something bad going to happen?)
And No.11:
‘The antidote to depression is not positivity – it is fully feeling your sadness or shame or rage.’
Give it a go. Something will connect with you, I’m sure.
‘It’s the Christian Horner paradox: F1 is now hideously dull, but the drama has never been better’
I don’t always read Marina Hyde in The Guardian but I should do so more often. I was looking for a take on the Christian Horner/Red Bull story, which struck me as so… patriarchal. In a nutshell: powerful man accused of inappropriate behaviour by a female work colleague; powerful man ‘completely denies’ allegations against him; powerful man is cleared by independent investigation (the ‘grievance has been dismissed’, says Red Bull); powerful man reiterates denial after the investigation’s evidence is leaked to the media from an anonymous email account; powerful man’s accuser is suspended by her employer; powerful man’s accuser appeals against Red Bull’s decision to clear powerful man of controlling behaviour.
But Hyde scythes through all the legal restrictions to have her say on Horner. This bit in particular:
‘With the possible exception of about three 19-year-old footballers, no one in world sport has wanted to be famous quite as much as Christian Horner. He came to the realisation of this ambition comparatively late in life (he is 50), and consequently has yet to settle into his “easy charm” years.’
Wonderful.
‘Young Again with Kirsty Young: Linda Evangelista’
Linda Evangelista, the Canadian 80s supermodel, was the first guest on Kirsty Young’s BBC Radio 4 podcast Young Again (the premise being what would the older, established, successful guest want to say to their much younger selves if they could pass on any advice). And wow was it powerful stuff. Evangelista opened up on her marriage to Frenchman Gérald Marie, who was head of Elite model agency’s Paris office and 15 years older than her. They were married from 1987 to 1993.
As People said by way of explaining the background:
‘In 2021, Marie was accused of rape and sexual assault by at least 15 women, including American model Carré Otis and ’90s supermodel Karen Mulder. In February 2023, French prosecutors announced they had closed their criminal investigation into the accusations against Marie as they all allegedly took place during the '80s and '90s which exceeds the country's statute of limitations.’
It added:
‘Marie maintains his innocence, categorically denying the accusations via his lawyer and claiming that he "has never committed the slightest act of violence," and that these women "intend to frame" him "as a scapegoat for a system, for an era, that is now over."
This is a lightly edited excerpt from the Kirsty Young podcast:
LE: ‘Did I have MeToo moments? Absolutely. I was in a MeToo marriage. Absolutely.
‘I kept quiet for many, many years. And then The Guardian did a story on all the models. Only when speaking to the journalist did I find this out. And to think that I was married to him when all of this was happening is crazy.’
KY: ‘Horrifying.’
LE: ‘And there’s a side of me that thinks that if I would have spoken up and said something about what was happening to me that maybe they would have come forward at that time. And the statute of limitations wouldn’t have run out.
‘I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was what was happening to me.’
KY: ‘Which was?’
LE: ‘Abuse. And I can only imagine why women don’t speak up. And that is fear. Fear equals silence. Silence equals fear.
‘I feel guilty now.’
KY: ‘I get that. Do you want a tissue?’
Kirsty Young is a quite brilliant broadcaster, interviewer and empathetic human being. She was far and away the best host of Desert Island Discs because she always sounded like she was genuinely listening to her guest. And – the giveaway – when they said something interesting or new or significant, she followed up on it with another question, rather than just reading out the next question on her list. She was amazingly sensitive and supportive with Linda Evangelista. There’s the basis of counselling (and decent human behaviour), right there.
Thank you so much for the recommendation David 🙏 I'm glad you enjoyed the article